Pastoral Rhythms for Balancing Family and Ministry

Several years ago, a youth ministry invited me to speak at a week-long event. As I interacted with the teens, I noticed a girl who seemed to have a question but did not want to ask it. Finally, on the second-to-last day (while everyone else was chatting in other areas of the room), she approached me, “How can I get my dad to spend time with me?” She was a pastor’s daughter. From her perspective, her dad spent more time solving the problems of his congregation than he did with her. She started to cry. She thought he was a great pastor. If she were not his daughter but just a member of the congregation, she would probably spend more time with him. I sat there while she cried and thought about my daughter, who would be her age in less than a decade.

 “How can I get my dad to spend time with me?” She was a pastor’s daughter. 

This girl’s story is not unique. Many families feel lost because the husband/father/pastor focuses more on the ministry to which God has called him than on his family. Children grow up, phasing from childhood to adolescence to adulthood, struggling with identity and faith, while their fathers help another family with marriage issues. Wives see a lack of unity in their marriages from a lack of time together, while their husbands walk a young couple through godly parenting. The narrative is not new.

We cannot blame these pastors. We feel the pull and see the need. Every single moment, we are choosing to defraud someone, whether it be our congregation or our family. Sometimes we feel like every choice is wrong. Most pastors in America are like me: we are small-church, rural pastors without staff. When there is a need, the buck stops with us. There is no one else to whom we can turn, much less to whom we can refer. So, when those under our care need help, who will help them if we do not? No, we cannot blame these pastors for their choices.

There must be a solution. If we choose our families before our congregations, our congregations will become spiritually immature. The pastor’s job, among other duties, is “to equip the saints for the work of ministry” (Ephesians 4:11-16), to protect the body from heresies (Acts 20:28-31), and to lead the followers of Christ in godliness (Hebrews 13:7,17). If the pastor is constantly with his family, the saints will not be equipped, the body will not be protected, and the followers of Christ will not live godly lives. Choosing families over congregations produces a result that is antithetical to why we became pastors.

If we choose our congregations over our families, the result is equally disastrous. As fathers and husbands, we are called to care for our families. We have the duty to invest in our wives’ spiritual growth (Ephesians 5:25-28), to instruct our children in the faith (Ephesians 6:4), and to seize every moment to show the impact of God in our lives (Deuteronomy 6:6-9). If the pastor is constantly with his congregation, he is not investing in his wife’s spiritual growth, instructing his children in the faith, or showing the impact of God in his life. This decision results in a spiritually immature family, which may disqualify him from ministry (Titus 1:6). Neither of the extremes will solve the problem.

I propose six principles for balancing family and congregation discipleship. These principles will not provide the magic fix every time, because we live in a broken world. However, these principles – implemented with grace – should provide balance.

First, we prioritize our families.

Early in the pastorate, I asked a mentor how he balanced ministry and family. He looked at me and said, “Your family is your ministry.” Our families are part of our congregation. Just as we spend time with other congregants for their spiritual growth, so should we spend time with our families. I asked the same question to another mentor. He answered quickly, “Your family comes first.” We must prioritize time with our families to encourage them spiritually, as well as meet their emotional and physical needs.

Second, we clearly articulate expectations.

Early in my time at my current church, I preached on healthy pastoral expectations. I discussed the role of overseer and the responsibility of shepherding, tying these to our example of Christ in 1 Peter 2:25. I clearly stated my obligations to this role and responsibility. However, I also discussed my obligations to my role and responsibility as husband and father. After preaching that sermon, I have revisited the issue in conversations, board meetings, and sermons. These outlined expectations allow the church to know the line I am walking between prioritizing my family and fulfilling my pastoral obligations.

Third, we maintain a strict schedule.

I acknowledge that I love schedules. However, I keep those schedules for the benefit of those under my care. At the end of each week, I schedule time slots for the next week. My family comes first, so I block out their time first. Being a rural pastor, I have a little more flexibility in where I put things to prioritize my family. My congregation consists of workers in agriculture and small businesses. Consequently, I can plan church board meetings over a lunch hour, instead of taking up an evening with my family. As I plan out my next week’s schedule, I start with my family day (which is not on a Monday) and my date night (also not on a Monday). These two events stay the same every week, if possible, so that my congregation knows when not to disturb me.

Then, I make a mental note that I want to be home every morning for family devotions, that I want to have lunch with my family at least twice (in addition to my family day), that I want to help put my children to bed at least five times, and that I want to give my wife an evening off to recharge and refocus. Next, I plan out which meals I will use for church or community relationships, when I will work on my sermon, when I will visit congregation members, and when all the other responsibilities will happen. At the end, I count how many hours are scheduled for ministry to avoid crossing the fifty-hour mark. This strict schedule helps give my family priority and accomplish my pastoral duties.

Fourth, we allow our schedule to be responsive.

As a rural pastor, we must be ready to cancel normality and respond to crises. Most of us do not have staff to handle the suicide call, the sudden death, the aftermath of an adultery confession, or the turmoil of a child incarcerated. In those moments, our congregants must be shown the presence of Christ as we walk with them through the hurt. Now, not every crisis needs to change our schedule. Some issues can wait until our next open slot. When I am unsure whether an issue can wait, I will ask. And, surprisingly, many times the congregant will agree to meet later. This boundary reminds me and the congregant that I am not God, and it shows my family that they are still my priority.

Fifth, we train reliable leaders.

Even rural churches can have men and women who will help with discipleship, counseling, and spiritual shepherding. These individuals may not be church leaders, but you know that they have experienced similar issues or are specifically gifted. By equipping them for these times, following the example of Moses in Exodus 18, we can offload some of the lesser crises and focus on discipling our families and handling the greater issues. These leaders will not grow overnight. We might face ten or fifteen years of juggling priorities while we train them. But the time spent will be rewarded when we pass the first individual to them.

Sixth, we ask our family to be understanding.

When we prioritize our family during much of the year, they will support us when real crises interrupt our family time. Just as a volunteer firefighter must respond to a neighbor’s burning building, so we must help the congregant who is in immediate need. Though missing us, they will consider themselves joining the family mission by sacrificing time with their dad or husband. Through their understanding, they are sharing us with the congregation instead of feeling like the congregation is stealing us.

These principles have helped me balance family and congregational discipleship. While the concepts do not fix every problem, they give my family and my congregation the framework to navigate the issues with me. There are some seasons when my congregation feels left out and some seasons when my family feels left out. Most of the time, though, both groups are gracious to see the greater picture of God’s work in accomplishing our spiritual maturity through the ebbs and flows of ministry life.

Peter Sample and his family have been serving as RHMA
missionaries in Neligh, Nebraska, since 2016.