Pastor, Protect Your Wife!
A July 16, 2024, Associated Press headline read, “The man killed at the Trump rally died shielding his family.” Corey Comperatore used his body to shield his wife and daughter from the gunfire of an assassination attempt. Men are wired to protect even to the point of death. What Corey did that day was a natural instinct for most men.
When a couple follows a call from the Lord into church work, the blessings are eternal but the temporal troubles are real. If you’re in pastoral work, you likely have some stories of betrayal, sabotage, and abandonment. A soldier in the Lord’s service has wounds. It is one thing for the soldier/pastor to experience the scars of ministry life, but can he shield his family from them?
“Love always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:7, NIV). This is a general application of God’s love working through us. It is rooted in how he protects us from his own wrath through Christ. The word translated protect comes from a Greek word for “roof.” God’s love has been a refuge for his people in every generation (Psalm 90:1). Our love is to be a safe shelter – like a roof – for those we are caring for.
Let’s focus briefly on what it looks like for a pastor to protect his wife from the troubles of ministry. Rarely will a pastor have to take a real bullet for his bride like Corey Comparatore did, but there are figurative bullets from which a pastor can attempt to shield his wife. The list of dangers could be long, but let’s focus on three: religion, false expectations, and unnecessary burdens.
1. Protect your wife from religion
One of the high honors that pastors have is that they get to immerse themselves in the expansive implications of the gospel. They study it, discuss it, and declare it. They have colleagues and friends with whom they dialogue over the unending facets of the gospel. They hear great preachers, learn from scholarly theologians, attend inspired gatherings, and read deep authors.
Meanwhile at home, the pastor’s lovely bride is often elbow-deep in dirty diapers and dinner dishes. Or the pastor’s wife has a profession that puts her in a culture far removed from what her husband is experiencing. If not protected, a weary wife can fall into practicing religion without much time or space for pondering the deep wonders of God’s nearness and goodness.
Meanwhile at home, the pastor’s lovely bride is often elbow-deep in dirty diapers and dinner dishes. Or the pastor’s wife has a profession that puts her in a culture far removed from what her husband is experiencing. If not protected, a weary wife can fall into practicing religion without much time or space for pondering the deep wonders of God’s nearness and goodness.
There is a great danger that as the serpent whispered to Eve, the pastor’s wife can believe things that are not true about our glorious God. Or she can develop resentment and bitterness toward her husband and church. A pastor must protect his wife from slipping into religious busyness. This will require walking close with her, sharing what he is learning, and protecting her from the enemy’s schemes to distort and distract.
“A weary wife can fall into practicing religion without much time or space for pondering the deep wonders of God’s nearness and goodness.”
2. Protect your wife from false expectations
My mom was married to my pastor-dad. She was very gifted in administration and leadership. My dad could not have asked for a better ministry partner. She could make a choir sing and keep the Sunday School running like a well-oiled machine. I followed my dad at the same church from which he retired. I would get married 10 months after starting as pastor. A week before our wedding, I reminded the congregation that I was getting a wife; they were not. And that my wife was gifted in a very different way than my mother.
“A week before our wedding, I reminded the congregation that I was getting a wife; they were not.”
This might have been one of my few ministry marriage wins, but I admonished the congregation that they could have no false expectations of my new bride. She was free to discover where she could best serve with her gifts and interests. As it became clear, she excelled at leading a children’s class and also loved to do nursing home ministry with me. That congregation did not place false expectations on my wife. I protected her and in that place she thrived. To this day my bride lights up when it’s her turn on the kids’ ministry rotation to serve the little ones.
False expectation of what a pastor’s wife should do and be can come from many places. The good pastor protects his wife from these and confesses when he himself has had misguided expectations. It should be liberating to a ministry couple that there is no biblical job description for a pastor’s wife.
Yes, she has to practice hospitality because that is an expectation not only of the pastor but of every member. Yes, she needs to find her place of service ideally in the area of her gifts and interest. But she should be protected by her husband from false expectations that somehow that church gets two-for-one. She is not a free employee that comes as a package deal with her husband.
3. Protect your wife from unnecessary burdens
I watched my mom bear the burden of the household finances. She was super-competent with handling money and paying bills. But she was burdened with worry that came with the limitations of the small salary of a small-town church. My dad wasn’t oblivious to the needs and at times drove a school bus or picked up a paper route to earn a bit more extra money. And Dad and Mom were a good team in general. But I watched my mom worry. Could Dad have protected Mom from the unnecessary burdens of the budget? Probably.
Unnecessary burdens can weigh down a pastor’s wife. A ministry wife can be a great sounding board and often can comfort and counsel her husband who is dealing with a particular struggle in church life. But the pastor should carefully determine if by sharing some of the burdens of ministry, is he placing on his bride unnecessary burdens. This is living with your wife in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7). Love errs on the side of protecting.
Questions
It has been quipped that a man says he will die for his family, but will he just do the dishes? Will the pastor protect his family from the incoming assaults that are aimed at his family and wife? A pastor is required to manage his household well, which includes protecting it from dangers like the three listed above.
"It has been quipped that a man says he will die for his family, but will he just do the dishes?"
A question a pastor can ask his wife that would help him better love her might be, “How do I make you feel safe?” Go ahead. Text that question to her right now. Or if you are a pastor’s wife, let your husband know the ways in which he makes you feel safe. Another question a pastor can ask himself is, “Am I protecting my bride through gospel conversations?” Or, “Am I providing a ‘roof’ from the storms of business, expectations, and burdens?” One last question a pastor might ask himself is, “If I’d take a bullet for my wife, what are the dangers being hurled at her that I can absorb?”
Christ is the husband’s model for love that protects. What is Christ saying to you about protecting the woman he has entrusted to your care?
David is the Director of New Initiatives, Small Town Summits